Approximately 3 minutes to read
Winning entry for the Halloween Contest! :)
Writing, Paranormal, Short Story
This story made me:
almost 2 years ago flyaway katie said:
Even though I had a good idea of the ending from the contest theme, I still found it compelling. The flashbacks to different times tied in well with the character being a ghost. The cover art is beautiful too, an excellent choice.
almost 2 years ago Maria said:
All I can say is wow.
about 2 years ago Josie Rapacz said:
I like the idea but it needs a little fine tuning to really bring it to life.
about 2 years ago Madison Elizabeth said:
Wow. I felt as if I were in the story.
almost 2 years ago Sarah Summers said:
I enjoyed reading this short story. The story itself needs to be revised a little - polished more but other than that it'll be a jem. Well done! And an excellent job at creating a story that leaves you reading until the very end.
about 2 years ago Mel Jane said:
Hi, returning your swap here!
Let's start with the negatives. One issue I noticed is that you tend to tell rather than show. For example, the part about her having carved her name into the phone felt out of place. Consider putting it where she actually picks up the phone to call the police--perhaps its absence could serve as another clue that something is wrong. Also, the part about the children sleeping is confusing, also the carpet being there when her house didn't have carpet. After that she mentions her parents' room. Is this still her house? Have the new owners made renovations? Also, she is able to pick up the phone but not touch the police officer. This may require more explanation (maybe that the effort to pick up the phone exhausts here) or is simply a continuity error.
On the bright side, I really enjoyed reading it. As a standalone piece, it's quite good, especially the reveal at the end. The intro could be stronger in order to hook your audience, but since it's short I was able to get through it without much issue. Very few if any grammatical errors that I could spot (Grammar is so important! No one wants to read something in cryptic shorthand!) and as far as format goes, it flowed well and was easy to read.
Farewell and don't forget to return the swap!