Eric's Thing

1 chapter / 811 words

Approximately 4 minutes to read

Description:

MOLECULES CONTEST WINNER Jeff and Eric discuss the ins and outs of popularity and how to achieve it. Cover created by Alex Black.

Genres: Comedy, Short Story

Tags: molecules contest entry

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almost 2 years ago Eric Woods said:

Nicely done my man. I felt like i got lost a little bit in the party section just because i thought i was ready jeff but turned out it was Eric talking.Over all top form my good man. It was easy to read it flowed well and had or ever famous wit in it. Example i laughed at, "I'll be the black guy." and, "You might want to rethink your phraseology." Well done man.

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about 2 years ago Jarett Malouf said:

Amazing piece! Extremely well-written and very witty.

Anybody who's reading this, read my Molecules entry, "Tumbleweed" and let me know what you think.

It's a bit...not PG...so please don't be offended :)

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about 2 years ago Meg Beecher said:

Very nicely done. I liked the characters. Think it would be cool to do the whole thing in dialogue, would require little bits of information to be weaved into the back and forth so that you didn't have to do the paragraph parts, but would be worth it.Whole story in dialogue...yeah!

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about 2 years ago Charlie M said:

Great job! I love how most of it is dialogue and the way the dialogue is set up it almost feels like a play with small monologues built in but it works very very well! I loved your characters too and how well I got to know them even though the story was short.

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about 2 years ago chessi maria said:

This is an awesome story! The expanses of dialogue make it snappy and funny. But at the same time, it delves surprisingly deeply into the relationship between Jeff and Eric, Eric's character, and the nature of popularity.

With the lines of back-and-forth dialogue, I'd expect to get tired of reading quickly and to be confused about who was speaking. But the dialogue flushes out Jeff's and Eric's characters beautifully. It's easy to keep track of which boy is talking because they're arguing from different points of view based on their characters.

I picked out a few grammar tidbits that I'd suggest changing. For instance, I think 'But something like that man!' would read much better if you broke it up with a comma between 'that' and 'man'. There are a few other lines like this throughout the story. They read a bit like run-ons, but a well-placed comma would split them up nicely.

'When we were freshman': This should be 'freshmen'. Plural because you're talking about two boys.

'...black?': This is a great opener for Eric's idea. But when I first read it, I couldn't tell who was speaking. Was Jeff talking about something else, and Eric only picks out 'black' at the end? I'd suggest making it a touch more clear.

'If I don't know who I am, how am I supposed to be myself?!': This is a perfect line. The way I see it, it really draws Eric's character together.

'Eric just seems so genuine, you know?': This is awesome! It really made me laugh; it also pulled the whole story together. Great job!

~Chessi

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about 2 years ago HT Fallen said:

Return for The Forgers:

Here are just a few things I picked up on as I read. Feel free to use or disregard as you see fit.

This is cool--it's kind of like listening to a conversation on the other side of the door. You just kind of have to imagine what's going on.

you're being cheesy - I think cheesy might have a different connotation where I'm from. it's more like over-the-top, on-the-nose kind of stuff. it doesn't really fit this sentence. But that could be a dialectic thing.

Do what you want[.] I'll still hang out

who fed off of [the] approval and praise of those - because you have "of those around him," you need the article.

same way[,] to the point where - this sentence feels kind of awkward. Maybe find a way to condense it, "to the point where parting to the left with gelled-up bangs was officially dubbed..." This says the same thing, but it's not quite as clunky.

may want to change the phraseology of that - hah! indeed

need a thing[;] just be yourself - splice

"seems so genuine" - Hah! great ending. Good way to wrap it up. This was a really unique piece, and I really enjoyed it.

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