Approximately 6 minutes to read
*WINNER* Finished. For the Winter Writing contest. During the winter, a teen girl becomes and angel made to help others.
This story made me:
almost 3 years ago masmith said:
what an ironic theme, the angel of snow that saves mortals from the cold. it's both eerie and intriguing. would you like to swap stories, since my intended theme is somewhat similar? It's called "Wandering Spirits" in case you're interested...
about 3 years ago gone said:
you better win because this was literally PERFECTION
almost 3 years ago Hazel Leaves said:
I loved some of the ideas behind the story but the writing needed some work...
I agree wholeheartedly with all of the points that KR Williams and Catherine Aker said so I don't need to repeat any of them, but there were some others that nagged at me and I felt that together, they seriously detracted from the message of the story.
I love the part about her being afraid of herself but when you explain why it makes zero sense... You probably need to explain that if you plan to revisit this.
Suspending disbelief for mythology is one thing but do you expect me to believe that the first day of snow was always the first of december? because that's what it sounds like.
Change of tenses randomly.
We never learn why the aunt leaves and it really isn't made obvious.
The first paragraph of the second chapter was poorly written. The entire first sentence was lumpy and I felt that all that was needed was : "A lot changed that night."
We never find out what else changed that night...
Burred was meant to be buried I presume.
Another random change of tenses.
No offence but aren't angels needed all year round - not just in winter.
Then it snaps to a sarcastic casual tone and I felt this let the whole thing down for some reason.
What does "I have to be of need" mean? Do you mean "I have to be of service to anyone who has need of me" perhaps?
The literally in the last paragraph is unnecessary.
Shouldn't "as an average townsfolk around here" be "as an average local" or something because "townsfolk" is plural.
Typo with "if" replacing "is" and "more exposed then clothes" would make absolutely no sense unless you meant to say "more exposed than clothed" (notice "than" and "clothed").
Why would her work be done? She left an 11 year old girl in the snow, alone. And your protagonist is mortal (she can die) as you have told us previously.
I know you probably hate me now, but for the record, I did love the ending :)
almost 3 years ago KR Williams said:
I enjoyed the story and felt it had a good idea but there are some parts that I feel needed pruning or editing.
The sentence in the opening paragraph "Until I became afraid of me." I feel it would benefit from an "even" in there (Until even I became afraid of me).
There's a typo (angles instead of angels).
There's a point where she says she can't remember what she does with her aunt. As a reader I wondered why I was being told about it then. Maybe remove that part.
You mention her being five quite a few times, but it's redundant after the first. Have faith in your description to remind readers she's a tiny child, it's strong enough.
There's also a tense shift from past to present in the paragraph that begins "look Sabrina..."
All in all, I loved the idea and I hope you do well in the contest! I think these small changes will make the first part really stand out!