The Charm Bracelet

1 chapter / 993 words

Approximately 5 minutes to read

Description:

-Autumn Falls Contest- This isn't some cliché story about my love-life, okay! Let's make that clear. I'm not telling a bunch of strangers how I fell in love! I'm Belle, by the way and this is about how I screwed up. A huge difference since I'm not a ashamed of this and if I'm being honest it's only the first of many. All because of my stupid charm bracelet......

Genres: Writing, Science Fiction, Short Story

Tags: contest shortstory magic enjoy autumnfalls

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Reviews {3}

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Becca's edit

over 2 years ago Sarah G said:

I'm going to be very honest with you. It needs a lot of work. That's not to say there aren't good things you've done, because there are, and the good things you've done have been done very well. But there is a lot that needs to be fixed.

One thing you did a very good job on was building your main character. You gave her a distinct personality. I feel like as a person, she's someone I wouldn't get along with at all, but that's okay. It means you built her well enough that the reader can imagine her as a real person. She has her own unique voice that really comes through in the way you write.

You've also got a really interesting story idea here. The idea of a magic charm bracelet, a voice like Morgan Freeman (loved that line, by the way), the way her spell backfires. It's a fresh idea that I haven't seen before.

Quick disclaimer: All constructive criticism I make is meant to be just that: constructive. It is not meant to tear you down or make you feel bad. The only way anyone can get better at their writing is if someone tells them how to make it better. And I get that that can be difficult to hear sometimes. But you asked me for my opinion, and I owe you an honest one.

Okay, that turned into a not-so-quick disclaimer. ANYWAY...

You've got some spelling and grammar errors that are in need of fixing. This is one of my biggest pet peeves, and it made it difficult to read at times because I had a hard time seeing past the errors.

He had it all[: or --] looks, smarts, money[;] he was the all around value meal with a pinch of extra gorgeous.

I have more [than] one best friend[,] and I'm not struggling for money.

Baines should be bangs.

Jackson's dialogue needs some work for these things, too. Make sure you're not stringing together run-on sentences and that you're using the correct form of your/you're.

Another thing that needs some work is your descriptions. You have some very good language in them, like how you described finding the bracelet, but a lot of it feels forced. Jackson's dialogue (or rather, monologue) needs some work for making it smoother. I know he's under a spell, but his speech lacks anything to make it forceful.

I'm sorry if I've hurt your feelings with this. I really didn't mean to. I just want you to know what you need to do to be better. You've got a good start; it just needs some work to make it better.

Superwhovianliar_zpshjiwfy4c

almost 3 years ago SuperWhovianLiar said:

This was very good. I like how the character found the bracelet rather than it being handed down or given to her. The flow of the little bit of dialogue between the two girls feels natural, which I think most amateur authors have a hard time doing, myself included. I also love how the character uses the bracelet to get revenge on her boyfriend. Would love to see more of this after the contest ends. Good Luck!! :D

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