Unnatural Planet

1 chapter / 534 words

Approximately 3 minutes to read

Description:

My short story for the mythical world contest. I'm proud to say that it was one of the winners.

Genres: Writing, Fantasy, Short Story

Tags: mythicalworld

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2 months ago Holly S. said:

I love the amount of color that is in this world! A longer, ending maybe? To me, if the dragons have been helping me find a portal home, then I would have a more heartfelt ending. Other than that, amazing imagery! Love it!

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over 2 years ago Micheal said:

This was a really great read but I think you could do the ending a longer.

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over 2 years ago Callum Charlton said:

This is not bad at all! I am usually really skeptical about reading anything that dares leap into the realm of fantasy and mythology but I was genuinely intrigued through this, can see how it won for sure.

I do however believe that the flow is somewhat awkward? Try reading it aloud to yourself and you should see what I mean. The start also seems a little clunky with the 'rust coloured grass' which is a beautiful simile, however would read better if presented as a metaphor instead? 'The rusting grass' or 'short blades of rust erupting from the ground'?

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over 2 years ago Callum Charlton said:

This is not bad at all! I am usually really skeptical about reading anything that dares leap into the realm of fantasy and mythology but I was genuinely intrigued through this, can see how it won for sure.

I do however believe that the flow is somewhat awkward? Try reading it aloud to yourself and you should see what I mean. The start also seems a little clunky with the 'rust coloured grass' which is a beautiful simile, however would read better if presented as a metaphor instead? 'The rusting grass' or 'short blades of rust erupting from the ground'?

Reviews {2}

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over 2 years ago W.J. Hastings said:

This was a nice piece to read and I liked spending a few minutes in this world of the dragons! I think if you could sacrifice a few words somewhere and squeeze some in on how the lead character felt on finally finding the portal and leaving the dragons behind the end could be stronger. Well done - W.J.

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almost 3 years ago Maggie said:

Hi! This is responding to your forum post. I really like this story. It's complete, fulfilling and full of great descriptions. There are a few things I would change, though--I think you could take out some of the descriptions and the story would move a little faster. You don't need quite so many adjectives.

Also, maybe introduce the character's problem--wanting to go home--a little earlier, so instead of just reading about how cool the world is, we'll meet the plot right from the start. A reader won't be interested unless there are questions they want answers to, so you as the author have to ask a question (in this case, will the MC get back home?) with your story. The question doesn't need to be explicitly stated, but it has to be there. And I'm not saying it's not there already--it is. But if you introduce it from the very beginning, the reader's interest will be peaked right from the start.

A few typos: "it's head" should be "its head"; there should be a period after "Thud"; and in "The ground met my feet", maybe it's just me, but I think this would be phrased better as "My feet met the ground."

I love the feel to this piece. It's so surreal, and I got a very interesting view of the character and the world. The ending was perfect. Good job and good luck in the contest :)

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