Voices

1 chapter / 648 words

Approximately 3 minutes to read

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Genres: Writing, Flash Fiction

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about 3 years ago Lily Hanke said:

I like how you made the narrator thoughts seem really disturbing. You did a great job at going into the mind of a mentally unstable person.

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about 3 years ago Tyler Haigh said:

This made me hungry, why does the sandwich have to kill people? i just want a taste!

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about 3 years ago Andrew Klintworth said:

The ending was like a blind side roundhouse kick to my face.

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about 3 years ago Mariah Fehringer said:

Did not see that ending coming!! You really made me feel the character's distress over the situation.

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about 3 years ago Katie Miller said:

- Good hook. It shows her mental state and irrational feelings immediately without having to go in intense and monotonous description.

- The first paragraph is fantastic. It shows that she still has hint of humanity, but she teetering on the edge of lunacy. She things the daydreams are okay just because they’re not reality. That makes so much sense to me.

- “I also love my sanity and these voices were driving me crazy.” The use of the idiom was really clever here.

- Whoa, jumped a bit there. One second she was completely against it and then she was ready to do it. I mean, you could have it done this way, but I think it would flow a little nicer if you added a few more sentences of contemplation before she decides to do it.

- “Quick as death…” Gosh that’s clever…I wish I would have thought of that.

- Oooo that last line is killer (haha, see what I did there). It’s so dark and real. Ah! It’s awesome. I love good last lines.

- One point of improvement I would say is just add a little more imagery with her mental state. You say the voices are driving her crazy, but you don’t really show us. Show the pulling back and forth between sanity and insanity. Show her mixed emotions and chaotic thoughts. The story has a great base and with a couple edits it could be to die for (this is fun, totally doing this with my next piece of writing).

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about 3 years ago Lydia Nixon said:

You have a very clear, strong tone right from the very beginning of your story, which is exactly what you want for flash fiction. I felt immediately sucked in to the emotions and thoughts of your narrator. On that note, I also loved that you used first person narrative! Your verb tense jumped around at a couple points in the story, which broke up the flow. Make sure that your verbs (and any other related words) all stay in the same tense.

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