Approximately 6 minutes to read
Writing, Suspense, Short Story
This story made me:
about 1 year ago Nove Payne-Eager said:
I liked that your kidnapper had an actual character. Some of the entries I've read, and stories about kidnappers in general, don't give the kidnapper a personality, and you certainly did. Amazing job, and good luck!
about 1 year ago Chapelier Fou said:
Woah, what the...? Awesome. I think you'll do well in this contest. I certainly think William and Michael should get that chance.
about 1 year ago Jae Ali (aka Jaden) said:
Really good. I love the switching point of views it made the story so much more interesting.
about 1 year ago Laura Harden said:
It was realy chilling and I loved your "Michael"... He was almost a pitiful villain... I could almost see things from his point of view. He was insane, clearly, but I think a part of him wanted to be good. That was my view. There were quite a few grammar mistakes. You might want to check them over because they were fairly distracting.
about 1 year ago thejokerlaughsatyou said:
Skipping over the grammatical issues that everyone else has mentioned already, I'm going to cover the actual content of the story.
Overall, it was completely unbelievable. I understand the suspension of disbelief that has to come into play here, but you don't give enough support to make it work. Think of it like this: if my suspension of disbelief is a bridge, then it can only stand on its own for so long before it needs another support.
The major issues I noticed:
-being shot in the arm would still slow you down
-being kidnapped and not being frightened at all makes no sense
-most people with multiple personalities aren't aware of the "other self" and actually believe they blacked out
-the side of a nail can't slice right through rope (and, for that matter, neither can the actual point of a nail)
-every single thing the POV character does is unbelievably heroic, brave, and strong, with no sign of weakness whatsoever
So yeah. Since I had no reason to worry about the main character, or to actually care about her safety at all, this was a rather boring read for me. Give her some vulnerabilities. Fear, maybe, or pain. Otherwise the reader is just passively watching her be a "hero" against this guy.
about 1 year ago Aisley Scott said:
Okay, this story has lots of potential, but the grammar mistakes are getting in the way. But don't worry, I caught most of them for you :D
The first paragraph is really messy.
You say "He looked down at me and confused." I'm just guessing, but I'm sensing that "and" doesn't need to be there. You could be going a few different directions with this sentence, but I would rephrase it like "Looking down at me, he appeared confused." Or something like that.
"I said looking up at the young man standing over me." There should be a comma here. It should be "I said(,) looking up at the man standing over me."
The "Kidnapper man" says "You're not afraid of me?" in the first paragraph. Each pragraph that contains dialogue can only have one speaker. Before this sentence, it was soley Emily speaking, so once the Kidnapper chips in a new paragraph is necesary.
"He asked and I used all my strength to..." should be "He asked(,) and I used all my strength to..."
I noticed that in the first paragraph you described a LOT of looking. This isn't a bad thing persay, but if there really is that much looking going on you should expand your vocab so it does't get repetitive. Words like glimpse, gaze, peered, glance..
I was confused when your character said she was more concerned with her ice cream than actually getting kidnapped? I figured it was kind of a joke to enhance your character's personality, but it makes her come off as kind of stupid. Ugh, that makes me sound like a bitch but I can't think of any other words. I hope you know what I'm trying to say.
^^That being said, your character mentions that she's thirty or so, yet a lot of her dialogue is pretty childish.
"My back hurt and my wrists hurt." This is also pretty repetitive. Say something like 'My back and wrists hurt." You know, just condense it.
You tend to change tenses quite a bit. It seems that your story is primarily is past tense because you said things like "looked" and "said". But then you say things like (I'm not sure if these are word for word, but I remember it was something like this) "I can only imagine.." or "I remember..."
"My name's Emily by the way I guess..." should be "My names Emily, by the way. I guess.."
Overall, I like the plotline and the fast pace story you have. With some grammar fixes and editing, this could be really really good :) Keep it up!