O My Heart

Well, when I almost committed suicide back way back in 2015. Well, what lead to that was my Grandpa dying before he died I prayed a prayer a very selfish prayer, the entire time I had been wearing the name, Christian. I mean I did pray the prayer letting him come into my life...but I was a lukewarm Christian. "God, you can save Grandpa, I promise I'll follow you with all my heart, soul, and mind. If you just save him." And he answered that prayer, in a way I didn't want it to be answered. So after my Grandpa died I started to slowly build an anger against God. Later this anger got out of control that I started to think and plot about murdering my mother, my father, my sister, and my brothers. They're all Christians. Because they were so loved by Christ and I wasn't...if God loved me I thought he would've saved my Grandpa. I started thinking about murdering my own pet hamster. I started thinking about burning and destroying every single human on earth, I thought about burning every single tree, flower, grass, bug, I thought and I dreamed and I could imagine an earth without life where I would be the last human. Then I would take my life. ENDING EVERYTHING THAT GOD HAD CREATED!


I thought about destroying every single thing that God had created! Each time I was around other Christians I grew angrier. I was angry at Him for not loving me! I hated Him with a passion and that passion grew! I hated how He loved my Christian brothers and sisters but not me! I hated Him! I cursed Him! I wanted to kill the Christians! I wanted to kill all of them so they will feel pain. A pain that tore me up...the same pain that ate away at my soul! I could imagine stabbing one of my parents with a knife! I could imagine stabbing one of my siblings with a knife! I could imagine stabbing one of my friends with a knife! I could imagine...I could see me twisting the knife then ripping it out releasing blood and death! And I could see myself laughing...laughing when I kill someone...I could see myself. My true self, my dark self, ME! WHEN I LOOKED IN THE MIRROR I HATED MYSELF BECAUSE GOD HAD CREATED ME! I WAS ANOTHER ONE OF HIS CREATIONS! I HATED EVERYTHING HE CREATED! I WANTED IT TO END! And then...I wept! And...I cried! Because part of me was trying/wanted to do the Christian thing which was read the Bible and ask God to shelter me. Anyway, fast forwarding I had that BB gun, I pointed it at my temple and started to press on that trigger, but then I thought of my family that I loved, and remember that God loved me. The things that were happening to me wasn't because of God hating me I wasn't the Spawn of Satan that God wanted to destroy. God loved me and He has plans for me.    

And this my friends is why I deserve Hell. I didn't murder anyone no I didn't but my heart did. My heart murdered my parents, my heart murdered my siblings, my heart murdered my friends. O my heart, you murdered the world. O my heart, you murdered family and friends. O my heart, you murdered all of Pathway Fellowship. O my heart, you murdered all of Sunrise Community Church. O my heart, you murdered all land and sea animals. O my heart, you murdered all plants. O my heart, you murdered me. O my heart, how you changed at Hume Lake. O my heart, how you chose the King of kings to reign as King.

O my heart,

When we’ve been there ten thousand years,
Bright shining as the sun,
We’ve no less days to sing God’s praise
Than when we’d first begun.

I deserve hell but no matter how deep the lies and the hatred run. His grace, His forgiveness, His mercy, and His love runs deeper. Now I'm a different person. You should've seen me yesterday who I was before the change.


John 3:16 New International Version (NIV)


16 For God so loved the world that he gave his one and only Son, that whoever believes in him shall not perish but have eternal life.