Locked Behind Amethyst Eyes

5 chapters / 12533 words

Approximately about 1 hour to read


Eliana had always known who she was. The last of an ancient family whose blood magic held formidable power. It made her a target, trapped in a game of cat and mouse that would never end. The world around her was being torn apart by war, greed, and hatred. The people in it saw her as weapon waiting to be unleashed; but Eliana didn’t want to be controlled. Even if there was no escaping from the hunger within her veins, the pirates that ruled the skies, or the warlock who danced through shadows. The only thing she wanted was to escape from it all.

She was running on desperation when providence brought her to Glassboro. But would the institute and its headmaster offer her the refuge she needed? Was there any sanctuary for a girl marked by amethyst eyes?

Maybe it was time to stop running. Maybe it was time to take a stand. She had nothing left to lose—or maybe—she had everything. Maybe they were the ones who should be afraid.

Genres: Adventure, Fantasy, Romance

Tags: pirates magic orphan war emperor prince warlock runaway witch first love romance

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Comments {4}

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5 months ago Cali Aguon/Johanna Opal said:

The second chapter is amazing. I love the details!

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6 months ago Samuel Roberts said:

I won't be able to get to reviewing today (and possibly not tomorrow either), but after that I can finish, I promise!

Blooming heart

6 months ago Vera Wolf said:

I had to correct this in chapter 3, but Eliana is twelve. A recent change. I'll comb through the last two chapters, thanks again everyone for all your great feedback :)


6 months ago Emily McPhie said:

I'm astounded how in just the first chapter, you manage to introduce Eliana, her situation and powers, along with impressive world-building! This is a really good beginning, and I'll definitely read more :)

Reviews {19}

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5 months ago Amber A.Goodson said:

Her heart restarted again-sounds off, not sure what I could suggest. maybe 'Her heart started again'? or 'Her heartbeat began to race again'?

and perched on the top rail-again, sounds off but that's just me. Maybe 'and perched atop the upper rail'? I don't know, just a thought.

Walter turned motorbike-'Walter turned his motorbike' or 'Walter turned around his motorbike'

Eliana climbed over the rails again and jumped clear- what do you mean by jumped clear? clear out of range for shot or...?

A cannon fired from the dirigible above them. The missile lifted the luggage car off the track in a deafening cloud of smoke and flame- I love this part. Imagining that scene is quite amazing. It kinda reminded me of the train scene in Super 8(if you haven't seen it you should), it may not be as big as that scene but was a nice memory.

She wheezed, sprawled numbly across the road, her mind still spinning-(kinda threw me off and I had to re-read it about 3 times to see what you meant) She wheezed, sprawled numbly across the road, her mind continuing to spin from the fall.

I love Walter.

'he'd never used his magic'-sounds odd, maybe 'he never used his magic' or 'he'd never use his magic'

Walter nuuuu!

Overall, it was a great chapter with a few grammar hiccups and tangled up words. So far, you've made the characters interesting enough for the reader to care for them.


5 months ago Mari said:

Chapter 2:

So wait, is she INSIDE a suitcase? You just refer to it as a prison, so I had to reread it to be sure. You may want to specify that?

How was Eliana know that her abduction had gone unnoticed, since she just woke up in a suitcase?

I love how her magic is in her blood. That's really creative, and I haven't seen anything with that sort of power before!

"As if she needed the reminder." I would put this sentence in the same paragraph as the one with her thoughts, since it really goes along with it. I was a bit confused about why her opening the door was an unneeded reminder, but that totally could have just been me misreading it!

I apologize if you mentioned this in the previous chapter (I just skimmed it before I read the next one, since it had been a while since I reviewed it), but is there a war going on? Is that why children keep getting drafted? Who is the war between? I feel like you mentioned it, so feel free to ignore this (and I'll go back and read chapter 1 again after this to figure out what I missed when I skimmed apparently) And then you mention that the family must keep a male child to keep the family name, so is that child then not eligible for the military? Can they volunteer themselves? (This is a totally nit-picky question, but it came to my head so I figured I'd just keep it in here)

Why is the scent of tobacco a new problem? Is she thinking it's the men who kidnapped her?

"Giving into the pirates is only asking to be invaded?" I don't think this was meant to be a question mark, since it's not really phrased as a question

"Eliana snorted[;] there..." These are 2 separate sentences, so i would use a semicolon (though you can use a period if you prefer, or a dash, conjunction etc.)

"...be safer there[,] and we..." (added comma)

Okay so you do start to explain more about the war and the fighting and such, so you can ignore my earlier question xD

"The pirates were going to be [on board] any minute." Personally I think this flows a bit better

"...bolt clicked[,] and she..." (added comma)

Wow great cliffhanger at the end of this chapter now I really can't wait to read more!

Overall, really nice job with this chapter. The premise seems interesting and very unique, and your writing style at most times has a very natural flow to it. I'm excited to see where you take this story!

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