Locked Behind Amethyst Eyes

5 chapters / 11380 words

Approximately about 1 hour to read


Eliana had always known who she was. The last of an ancient family whose blood magic held formidable power. It made her a target, trapped in a game of cat and mouse that would never end. The world around her was being torn apart by war, greed, and hatred. The people in it saw her as weapon waiting to be unleashed; but Eliana didn’t want to be controlled. Even if there was no escaping from the hunger within her veins, the pirates that ruled the skies, or the warlock who danced through shadows. The only thing she wanted was to escape from it all.

She was running on desperation when providence brought her to Glassboro. But would the institute and its headmaster offer her the refuge she needed? Was there any sanctuary for a girl marked by amethyst eyes?

Maybe it was time to stop running. Maybe it was time to take a stand. She had nothing left to lose—or maybe—she had everything. Maybe they were the ones who should be afraid.

Genres: Adventure, Fantasy, Romance

Tags: pirates magic orphan war emperor prince warlock runaway witch first love romance

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Comments {3}

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7 days ago Samuel W. Roberts said:

I won't be able to get to reviewing today (and possibly not tomorrow either), but after that I can finish, I promise!


9 days ago Vera Wolf said:

I had to correct this in chapter 3, but Eliana is twelve. A recent change. I'll comb through the last two chapters, thanks again everyone for all your great feedback :)


10 days ago Emily McPhie said:

I'm astounded how in just the first chapter, you manage to introduce Eliana, her situation and powers, along with impressive world-building! This is a really good beginning, and I'll definitely read more :)

Reviews {22}

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4 days ago Dusty Parrish said:

Hey! I'm going to be reviewing this as I go, so sorry if it's a bit convoluted. Anyways, here goes...

Chapter 1

If that's the last of their fuel that he injects into the engine and it's sputtering and choking I feel like they wouldn't have three hours of fuel left, then again it depends on how big the fuel tank is too. Generally when you pick up speed it eats gas faster than at a slower rate because the engine has to work harder, just as something to keep in mind. I don't know, maybe it's just me, but that was the first thing I thought of while reading it. For some reason it didn't sit right with me.

"The pirate's dirigible had caught sight of them earlier that morning, seemingly by coincidence, but Eliana rarely wondered at such things anymore." This sentence sounds a bit odd and wordy, perhaps there's a way you can alter it so that it makes it flow better? I also don't think you need the 'had' in there. "The pirate's dirigible caught sight of them earlier in the morning. Eliana learned to reject the concept of coincidence long ago, so she knew their appearance was something more." Something like that maybe?

'had' is one of those words I feel like you might be able to get rid of upon most occasions in this piece as it disrupts the word flow and slows the writing. "...but this group had stumbled upon them..." I think you could just put: "...but this group stumbled upon them..."

"She gestured up to the sky around them." Maybe say, "She gestured to the sky above them." instead? When I read it real quick I missed the 'up' and then I thought they were traveling in some sky-bound motorbike especially knowing you have sky pirates in this story as well. I think changing the little wording there a bit will help clarify things a bit more for the reader and make it a tad less confusing.

You use the tag "She grumbled" two times rather close to one another, perhaps one of the times you could use something different like: "She muttered" instead to sort of break it up?

I really like the dialogue between the uncle and Eliana. I also love Eliana's sarcasm, she's like a little fire-cracker.

"Most of the Aeradenn citizens were dressed their light, casual country attire that suited the summer heat." I think it should be: "Most of the Aeradenn citizens wore their light, casual, country attire that suited the summer heat." Or something along those lines.

"He disappeared behind a cloud of dust that drifted up behind the train." Would it be dust, or would it be something more like steam or the smoke from the engine? I feel like dust would be kicked up from a dirt road or something. If it's coming from behind the train I don't think that would be the case as the tracks would be on/surrounded by rocks to some degree. The rocks are used to prevent dust from kicking up because it could choke up the engine.

Should that be "A Tolcrum airship..."?

'itemizing' sounds a bit odd... would 'taking inventory' work better here?

Why does she have firecrackers in her pocket, smothered or not? xD I guess that says a bit about her character though.

I think there should be a comma between 'pale' and 'grim' when you describe the new cadets' faces.

I thought earlier she said that the firecrackers were smothered? Now they don't seem to be?

'...there was NO rational way for her to miss something she had never known..." You had 'not rational way'

That last line is so good, it sends chills and leaves so many questions.

Overall I enjoyed this and I like the world that you're building as well as the characters. I also love the almost steampunk vibe I'm getting from the story thus far.

Keep writing!


4 days ago Samuel W. Roberts said:

Chapter 3

Well, this is moving along nicely. It was kind of hard to follow at first, but now that the pirates are actually on the train it gives me the sense that something happened before I started reading that I'm not aware of, and that's the feeling I like best.

I also like how you were somehow able to stretch the train scene longer than a chapter. That would've been like, a half-chapter scenario if I had done it.

I think you should've given the boy a tad more personality during the third chapter, maybe given him an accent of some sort, or maybe even briefly show that he also has some connection with the pirates.

I also don't really appreciate language, but that's just personal preference.

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